Short Message Service Vol. XXII - His Last Vow

[solrosan]

Notes: Many thanks to zedille, as always and always. There wouldn't be much of this series without her. Go and give her some love!

Previous parts here.

Summary: His Last Vow told through texts.

-x-

I see the Watsons have left the
country.

You’re tracing their passports too?
SH

Just his, but I assume Mary is
with him.

I imagine it would be a rather
dull sex holiday otherwise.
SH

Oh, do you now?

Yes.
SH

Interesting.

I can’t see how.
SH

Of course you can’t. And don’t
call the honeymoon a “sex holiday”.

Why? That’s what it is.
SH

No. A sex holiday is when you
go to Ibiza without booking a
hotel room and come home
with a STI.

They could be doing that.
SH

I highly doubt it.

The whole idea of ‘consummating
the marriage’ feels very pagan.
SH

We need something to balance
out the monotheism.

I would agree, but in this case
it’s completely unnecessary
as she’s already pregnant.
SH

Oh, it’s confirmed now?

Yes.
SH

Are they keeping it?

They are very happy.
SH

And you?

What do I have to do with it?
SH

Don’t be thick.

I don’t know anything about
babies.
SH

I’ll think you’ll be a natural.

A natural what?
SH

A natural at taking care of the
baby, of course.

I won’t be doing that.
SH

Yes you will, Uncle Sherlock.

No one will be allowed to call
me that.
SH

That will be your name, though.

It won’t.
SH

Just you wait and see.

-x-

Is it your policy to have people who
are highly susceptible to blackmail
in charge of national security?
SH

Oh, God. What now?

Is it Suresh?

Patrick Johnson?

Please tell me it’s not Berg.

Apparently, that is our policy. How
disappointing.
SH

Though I must say I appreciate
the timing of this. I was starting
to get bored out of my wits.
SH

Are you missing the Watsons?

No, it’s nice to have the flat all
to myself again.
SH

Mhm.

Mrs Hudson is pestering me
with board games.
SH

As long as you’re not pestering
me, I think it all works out.

Now tell me who contacted you.

I can’t. Client-Detective
confidentiality.
SH

That’s not a thing.

Is too.
SH

Tell me now, or I’ll tell your brother we
might have a security leak and you
won’t tell us.

Lady Smallwood.
SH

Ah, the power of threats.

Yes, that’s what worries me.
SH

You’re worried about our national
security? Really?

The reality of having Mycroft in
charge is disturbing enough. We
really don’t need blackmailers too.
SH

Don’t dis blackmailing. It’s very
effective, at times.

Again, that’s what worries me.
SH

Why are you telling me this?

Because I honestly thought you should
know that the head of MI6 is being
blackmailed.
SH

Thanks, I’ll look into it.

I thought you’d be more upset by this.
SH

Is it the letters concerning her
husband’s affair?

You know about it?
SH

Of course. We do some background
checks on the people we allow to play
with state secrets, after all.

Well, then.
SH

Don’t get yourself involved
in a Bond movie, Sherlock.
You don’t have cool-enough
gadgets for that.

-x-

You’re disturbingly quiet.

I’m abiding by your request
to not pester you at work.
SH

You once texted me the
periodic table in descending
order of atomic number
because I didn’t reply fast
enough in Scrabble.

You never do.
SH

I was at 10 Downing Street!

Then you should have turned
your phone off.
SH

Next time I will, but you can see
why I don’t trust you when you
say that you’re trying to honour
my wish to be left alone at work.

I’m surrounded with people
with trust issues.
SH

That’s mostly because you’re
not very trustworthy.

I’m trying to do a nice thing here.
SH

So it has nothing to do with a
certain former bridesmaid who
comes and goes quite frequently?

Please tell me you don’t have
a camera in my bedroom.
SH

I never thought I’d need one.

Do I need one?

You’re a horrible woman.
SH

Of course I am. Now tell me,
what's going on?

I’m holding auditions for a new
sidekick.
SH

Mm, yes, the Boffin is lacking his
Notorious Bachelor.

Hasn’t that reporter been
executed yet?
SH

No.

Must I do everything myself?
SH

I would help you, if you weren’t
lying to me.

I never lie to you.
SH

Ha! So your sudden interest in this
particular female has nothing
to do with your newly discovered
concern for our nation’s susceptibility
to blackmail?

No, I’m in it for the sex.
SH

I always wondered what you used
your sidekicks for…

Funny.
SH

You left yourself open to that one.

Yes, I rather did, didn’t I?
SH

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I won’t be.
SH

Why didn’t you tell me that it’s
Magnussen who has Lady
Smallwood’s letters?

Who?
SH

Stupid is so not a good colour
on you.

Thank you.
SH

Would it have made a difference?
SH

I would have told you to back off.

How can you let a person
like Magnussen walk around
unsupervised like this?
SH

We don’t, but that’s above your
pay grade.

The head of MI6 is paying me
to get the letters back, I’d say
it’s exactly my pay grade.
SH

You don’t know what you’re up
against.

You sound like Mycroft.
SH

Oh, stop trying to flatter me.

I was trying to insult you.
SH

You’re failing horribly at both.

Good thing you’re not the one
I’m trying to woo, then.
SH

Sherlock, are you sleeping with
this woman to get to her boss?

I would never do such a thing.
SH

Let me rephrase: are you using a
woman to get to her boss?

What if I am?
SH

You would be a complete and
utter arse.

That I can live with.
SH

Sherlock.

What? What do you think I keep
you around for?
SH

I love you too.

Who’s pestering whom at work now?
SH

I’m pestering you ABOUT your
work, it’s different.

It doesn’t feel very different.
SH

Don’t break that girl’s heart for
a case, Sherlock.

Don’t let Magnussen run the newspapers
in the UK.
SH

Free press.

Language!
SH

Oh, shut up.

-x-

Mary sent me a sonogram
picture.
SH

Is everything all right?

Yes, though I’m pretty sure
they did this themselves.
It’s a bit early for an ultrasound,
according to my calculations.
SH

Did they do it themselves?

John doesn’t just play doctor,
you know.
SH

Is there a sex joke in there
somewhere?

Innuendo is in the eye of
the beholder.
SH

Your training is almost complete,
my young Padawan.

…right.
SH

So, what do you think about
the sonogram?

The ultrasound is such a
fascinating invention, but
it’s nothing compared to
antenatal development.
SH

Moved by the miracle of life, Uncle
Sherlock?

More than I ever thought I would be.
SH

I told you, you’ll be a natural.

-x-

You idiot!

Relax.
SH

Heroin?!

Molly’s already slapped me.
SH

Good for her!

How did you even know?
SH

How do you think?

Promise you won’t tell Mycroft.
I’m not done.
SH

Don’t worry, that’s not the
way this information goes.

Good.
SH

If you knew how slow you
actually are on heroin, you
would scare the shit out of
yourself.

-x-

Mycroft told you.
SH

Of course he did.

You could have warned me.
SH

I think you’re confusing me with
someone who thinks heroin
is okay.

It’s for a case!
SH

I thought you were working on
Lady Smallwood’s letters?

I am.
SH

You’ve got to help me see the
connection, because God help
me, I can’t.

I need a scandal for Magnussen
to go after.
SH

BUT HEROIN!

Diacetylmorphine. Heroin is
a brand name, really.
SH

Oh, fuck off.

Are diamonds important on
engagement rings?
SH

Are you still high?

As high as you can be on a
depressant.
SH

Ha. Ha.

I’m coming off it.
SH

You’re an idiot.

It. Is. For. The. Case.
SH

You’re still an idiot.

Fine. I’m an idiot. Can you
answer my question now?
SH

What was the question?

Diamonds – necessary or not
on engagement rings?
SH

What are you playing at?

I’m going to propose to Janine.
SH

Don’t you dare drag that woman
deeper into your bullshit!

What if I’m sincere?
SH

You’re already married.

My work will understand.
SH

I was talking about the Watsons.

So you’re not going to help me
pick out a ring?
SH

No, I’m washing my hands of you.

-x-

John said you stopped by
while I was asleep.
SH

I did.

Did you come to yell at me
about the morphine?
SH

Of course not.

It’s an opioid too.
SH

It’s not the same.

You’re right, I much prefer
heroin.
SH

I’m sorry.

What on earth for?
SH

You’re not angry with me?

God, no. Why would I be?
SH

How are you?

I’m feeling fairly certain that
you already have all my medical
records.
SH

Yes.

Actually dying isn’t half as
exciting as faking a suicide.
SH

I’ll remember that.

Can you keep a secret?
SH

You do know what my job
is, right?

It was Mary who shot me.
SH

Mary?

Watson.
SH

Mary Watson shot you?

And knocked my fiancée
unconscious.
SH

Mary Watson, as in your wife,
shot you?

John’s wife, yes, and judging
by her gear and muffler, it
wasn’t her first time shooting
people either.
SH

But she’s a nurse with a poor
voting record who bakes
beetroot bread. I have a file!

Yes, I’m getting less and less
impressed by your background
checks.
SH

Just saying.
SH

Does John know?

Not yet.
SH

Have you told the police?

Of course not!
SH

She bloody killed you!

I assure you, I’m in too much
pain to be dead.
SH

You flat-lined! They stopped
trying to revive you! You DIED!

I was dead for three years,
what’s another minute or so?
SH

This is not a joke, Sherlock!

I’m acutely aware of that.
SH

Can I tell your brother?

Actually, yes, please do, but
tell him to stay out of it.
SH

What are you going to do?

Sleep feels like a good idea.
SH

I meant about Mary.

I haven’t got that far, but it’s
not her fault. It’s Magnussen’s.
SH

What does he got to do with it?

He threatened and blackmailed
her.
SH

So she shot you.

Behold the wonders of the free
press!
SH

That’s really not it.

-x-

I like Janine. You should marry
that girl.

I tried, she didn’t want to.
SH

And you took her ring!
SH

John said I could!

Keep it.
SH

I’m making you a scrapbook
with all the news stories about
the two of you.

I can’t wait to see that.
SH

I’m going pretend you weren't
being sarcastic there.

Have you read any of them?

Not yet.
SH

I like the one where she says
you made her wear the hat.

That’s absurd. I would wear
the hat! I’m Sherlock Holmes.
SH

Indeed you are.

-x-

You’ve got mail.

What is this?
SH

What I’ve managed to put
together on Mary.

Trying to get me to trust your
background checks again?
SH

Yes.

The Woman said that all disguises
are self-portraits.
SH

Ms Adler?

Yes.
SH

This is a secret identity. Not
a disguise.

Aren’t those just different
sides of the same coin?
SH

I suppose they could be.

Thanks for the e-mail.
SH

It was that or killing her and
you’ve told me not to do
that. Yet.

That’s also appreciated.
SH

-x-

Do you need me to come
over there and kill you?

No, I’m fine, thanks.
SH

Really? Because it’s starting
to look like you have a
serious death wish.

I couldn’t TELL John. I had
to SHOW him.
SH

And what if you’d died this time?

I didn’t.
SH

What if you had?

I didn’t.
SH

Idiot!

I promise I will not leave this
hospital again until John rolls
me out in a wheel chair.
SH

Good. How’s he doing?

He’s moved back to Baker Street.
SH

I know.

He’ll get past it.
SH

Are you doing that thing again
when you underestimate the
impact loss has on John?

No, I won’t do that again, but
he will get past this. He hasn’t
lost Mary.
SH

I hope you’re right.

-x-

Do you want to know her real
name?

I know her real name. It’s
Mary Elisabeth Watson.
SH

Fine. Do you want to know
the name her parents gave
her?

Not unless she tells me.
SH

Or plays 20 Questions with me
to have me figure it out.
SH

Yeah, that’s how classy people
do it.

It’s been your turn in Scrabble
for two days now.
SH

Fuck!

-x-

Mary sent me another
sonogram picture.
SH

Have you shown it to John?

I’m debating it.
SH

Show him.

Are you sure?
SH

Yes. Then urge him to go to the
next check-up.

And offer to go there with him.

I was planning to ask her if she
wanted me to go with her,
either way.
SH

Do you miss her a lot?

Yes.
SH

-x-

The car will pick you up at
10 on the 24th to bring you
to your parents’.

Good.
SH

What? No screaming and
kicking and yelling?

Getting shot changes your
priorities.
SH

If I’d known that, I’d have shot you
years ago.

Can you make sure Mary is
picked up around the same
time as well?
SH

Of course, can’t let Mum and
Dad know that your boyfriend’s
wife shot you.

I have a feeling that would
ruin Christmas.
SH

Quite.

-x-

Would it be possible for you
to wipe Mycroft’s computer
before he leaves for Christmas?
SH

Not if I want to keep my job.

Two birds with one stone, then.
SH

I want to keep my job, Sherlock.

You keep saying that.
SH

Just accept that you’ll never
be able to fulfil me like your
brother can.

I’ll never understand women.
SH

To be fair, neither will your
brother.

True.
SH

Why do you need me to wipe
his computer?

You said you couldn’t do that.
SH

And that stands, but why did you
ask me in the first place?

I’m going to commit high treason.
SH

Why can’t you do Christmas like
a normal person?

Normal is boring.
SH

Send my love to your parents.

-x-

Don’t die. I’m so angry at
you, but don’t you dare die.

I’ll do my best.
SH

That’s not good enough,
Sherlock.

It’s the best I can do.
SH

I will kill you if you die after
all this.

I couldn’t not do it.
SH

Yes, you bloody well could!

John, Mary, and the baby are
safe now.
SH

He’ll be destroyed if you
don't come back.

He’s survived it once.
SH

You’re doing that thing you
said you wouldn’t do again.

I know, but I have to.
SH

I hate you!

You’ll look after them, right?
SH

Not for your sake.

If people die during things like
this, is it customary to tell people
about it?
SH

That they died, yes. Sometimes,
where they died. Never how.

When I do, don’t tell him.
SH

Don’t you dare say “when”.

Make up a cover story like the
one Mycroft told him about The
Woman. He’ll buy that.
SH

Sherlock, please stop.

I’m sorry.
SH

Just please don’t die.

Please.

-x-

Vol. XXIII

Note: if you read this before the airing of The Abominable Bride you might notice that a part is now missing. It was removed due to, well, The Abominable Bride.
 

Comments

[charisstoma.livejournal.com]

These are a little large drop of pleasure in my day.
Thank you.

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saying so :)

[ascendant-angel.livejournal.com]

I have so much love for this.So very much.

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

You're so sweet :) It makes me so happy to hear <3

[willowmeg]

Wonderful, as always. :D

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much :D

[zedille.livejournal.com]

Next time... bring on the alcohol! :D

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

BELLYBUTTON CHAMPAGNE! ;P

[shadowfireflame.livejournal.com]

Keep it.
SH

KEEP IT KEEP IT KEEP IT THIS IS KIND OF LIKE A PROPOSAL OMG OMG OMG. One that Madeleine basically took care of all by herself without any input from Sherlock. Love it!!!

Would it be possible for you
to wipe Mycroft’s computer
before he leaves for Christmas?
SH

Ohhhhhh, yes. Headcanon firmly accepted.

Madeleine’s distress over Sherlock going on the doomed mission was so heartbreaking. There’s no way she or Mycroft wouldn’t check up on Sherlock and give him all the help he needs on his mission, but even then it would have been so dangerous, and the chance of him dying so high...terrifying.

Loved this, as always. <3 <3 <3

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I have great plans for that ring! But they are both married to their work, and Sherlock is also married to the Watsons, so... ;)

I actually think that the computer Mycroft brought wasn't his work computer. I'm pretty sure he would keep better track of something like that then having it at his mother's kitchen table. But it feels good that Sherlock would think about the same, doesn't it?

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely comment :)