Short Message Service Vol. XXI - The Sign of Three

[solrosan]

Notes: As always a big Thank You to zedille for betaing (and listening to all my logistic thoughts and issues). Previous installments here.

Summary: The Sign of Three told through texts.


-x-

One downside to being back
is that we’re far less tolerant
of smoking than other countries.
SH

Yes, that clean air business is a drag.

We live in London.
SH

Good point. Doesn’t mean we
have to make it worse, though.

Perhaps, but these last months
I’ve realised how much I missed
smoking indoors.
SH

You live on your own now, you
can have any nasty habit you like.

Almost. Almost any nasty habit
you like.

I’m going back to patches after
this package.
SH

What? Voluntarily? Not whining
and kicking and screaming?

Yes.
SH

Sherlock, are you drunk?

Not yet, but I’m getting there.
SH

I was joking.

I wasn’t. How many people did
you think were coming to the
engagement party anyway?
SH

I don’t know? Some?

There are still five bottles of
champagne left!
SH

Well, four.
SH

Sherlock Holmes, are you
drinking champagne all on
your lonesome?

Certainly not. I’m drinking
it with London!
SH

You’re on a roof again, aren’t
you?

Yes, I am. The roof of 221 Baker
Street.
SH

What is it with you and roofs?

Oh, relax! I’m not going to jump.
SH

If you say so.

How was the engagement party?

Acceptable.
SH

You’re such a basket of candy
hearts and fluffy bunnies.

It’s the champagne, it goes
straight to my head. It was
very appreciated, by the way.
SH

Especially by Mrs Hudson.
SH

And you, apparently.

I won’t complain.
SH

You’d better not.

How long has Molly been
dating that man?
SH

Jealous?

Freaked out is a more accurate
way of putting it.
SH

Why?

Look him up, you’ll see.
SH

You tease.

Not even John missed it.
SH

Be kind to him, he’s getting
married.

I threw him a party.
SH

Admit that it was partly so
that you wouldn’t have to go
with your family to see Les Mis?

That might have contributed
to the rush, yes.
SH

Now, on a scale from one to the Burrell
affair, how horrified was Mycroft
when he came back to the office?
SH

I’d say probably a seven?

And you’re still not banished.
SH

I know! I’m disappointed, too.

Are our parents on their way
back home?
SH

No, they leave tomorrow at
4 p.m. I’ve arranged for the
four of you to have brunch
at Fortnum & Mason.

You’d better be joking again.
SH

I’m not. A car will pick you up
at noon, so don’t drink too
much tonight, would you?

I’ll talk Mycroft into banishing
you before they bring us the
biscuits.
SH

Just make sure it’s to someplace
warm.

-x-

I can’t believe you actually
wore the deerstalker when
you met the press for your
interview.

What would you have me
wear? Sandals and a hole
in each hand?
SH

It would have gone with the
the whole resurrection theme,
for sure.

A bit overdone, though.
SH

Quite so.

And I do have an image to
uphold.
SH

Are we trying to put some
space between the public
and the private?

That’s part of it, yes. The days
as a ‘private’ detective are
long gone.
SH

Yes, you even got a fan club now.

Besides John.

Ugh. Don’t remind me.
SH

What’s the other part of it?

Promise to not tell anyone?
SH

I’ll only use the information
to blackmail you into meeting
your mother.

I’ve missed it.
SH

You’ve missed the deerstalker?

You really can’t tell John.
SH

I won’t.

I’ve missed just about everything.
SH

-x-

Will John wear his uniform at
the wedding?

I have no idea.
SH

Find out, would you?

Why do you want to know?
SH

Research purposes.

Right.
SH

-x-

Play Scrabble with me.
SH

It’s five in the morning. What
are you doing up?

I’m not smoking.
SH

Good for you. Sleep.

Distract me!
SH

Please!
SH

Finish that exploding
umbrella you’ve been
talking about for ages.

-x-

Has Lestrade contacted you
about the Waters Gang case
yet?

The bank robbers? No. Boring.
He’s got that one. Just needs
to catch them.
SH

And you won’t help with that?

No, as I said, it’s boring. It’s
not a case, it’s police work.
SH

Now I imagine you saying that
just like your brother says
“legwork”.

-x-

I’m John’s best friend.
SH

And water is wet.

What?
SH

It is, I promise.

No, I mean, what are you talking
about?
SH

What are you talking about?

John asked me to be his best man
at the wedding.
SH

Who else would he ask?

True, most of his friends hate him.
SH

I’ve never understood how they
can’t like him. He’s adorable!

You read my essay on suppressed
hatred in close proximity, right?
SH

Yes, and I’m still ignoring your not-
so-subtle hints about my relationship
with your brother.

Can’t you at least acknowledge
why John’s friends don’t like him?
SH

Fine. That was a rather valid point.

I still don’t see it though.

You work for Mycroft, you’re just
about as blind to normal human
nature as I am.
SH

I’m going to let that one slide.

How can I be John’s best friend?
SH

Have YOU read your essay?

Of course I have.
SH

Did you say yes when he asked?

Obviously.
SH

Have you started planning the
stag night?

Do people really do that?
SH

Eh, yeah!

With what? Alcohol, strippers,
and cigars?
SH

There are other stag nights
besides Barney Stinson stag
nights.

Is he a friend of Mycroft?
SH

If the suit fits.

You’ve lost me.
SH

I expected as much. And speaking
of expectations, John will expect a
stag night.

What other idiotic traditions
have I signed up for?
SH

A speech.

He said something about that.
SH

Yes, and helping out with lots of the
wedding planning. Perhaps
organising the wedding gifts-list.

You know what? I’ll send you a
‘Best Man for Dummies’ book.

Wouldn’t it be easier if I just asked
him to pick someone else?
SH

There can’t be anyone but you.

I’m going to mess this up.
SH

No, you won’t.

I think I need a cigarette.
SH

Are you panicking?

No.
SH

You’ll do fine, Sherlock.

I’ll think about the stag night.
SH

Can I come with you?

Are you prepared to jump out
of a cake?
SH

No, that’s your bit.

-x-

John will wear morning dress
at the wedding.
SH

That’s a shame.

I don’t think military regulations
allow a retired officer to wear
full dress uniforms.
SH

If that’s the case, I’ll change the
regulations if he wants me to!

Mary and I have decided on
morning dress.
SH

You and Mary are no fun at all.

-x-

[Audio file received]

What is this?

Have you listened to it?
SH

I won’t open it until you
tell me what it is.

It’s a wedding waltz.
SH

I’d rather help you try
wedding cakes.

Mycroft, give Madeleine
back her phone!
SH

Oh, ha ha.

Just listen to it.
SH

Fine, all right.

What do you think?
SH

I don’t recognise it.

Of course you don’t.
SH

Thanks.

No, I mean that you couldn’t
recognise it. You’re the first
person to hear it.
SH

Did you write this?

Yes. What do you think?
SH

Let me listen to it again.

It feels a bit… unfinished? And
something around the one-minute
mark feels off, I can’t tell you why
or what it is. But, wow, Sherlock.

I’ve never really written music
people are supposed to dance
to. Or hear, for that matter.
SH

You should let people at least
listen to it. It’s beautiful.

No, something is off. You said
so yourself.
SH

You have weeks to get it right.

I hope I will.
SH

-x-

Do you think the world’s
only consulting detective
could wear a top hat rather
than a deerstalker?
SH

Are you contemplating rebranding?

Maybe. I really enjoy this hat.
SH

Not the tie so much, but I
could get used to the hat.
SH

Oh, damn it. I wanted to see
you in a cravat.

If you take me to Stockholm
in December, I’ll wear one.
SH

Nice try. If I take you to the
Nobel banquet, you’ll be wearing
white tie. But you won’t get near
any Nobel laureates again if
I have anything to do with it.

It was worth a try.
SH

Are the fittings done?

God, no, but we’ve decided
on colours for the ties and
waistcoats.
SH

And the winner is?

Golden eggshell.
SH

Beige.

Golden eggshell.
SH

I’m so happy I wasn’t involved
in the Royal Wedding.

-x-

[Audio file received]

Would you mind trying to
to dance to this?
SH

Seriously?

Yes, there’s only so much
I can do on my own.
SH

You want me to waltz?

Yes.
SH

Stop rolling your eyes at me.

It’s a wedding waltz. Of course
you should waltz.
SH

I can’t waltz.

Ask Mycroft to teach you.
SH

You want me to try John and
Mary’s wedding waltz with
your brother?

Not when you put it like that.
SH

I thought so.

Could you listen to it, at least?
SH

I have, and I think it’s amazing.

But can you dance to it?
SH

I don’t know. Do John and Mary
even know how to waltz?

I’m working on it.
SH

Are you teaching them to dance?

I’m teaching him to dance.
Mary already knows how to.
SH

Of course she does.

You should learn how to waltz.
SH

I have a world to run.

-x-

What do you know about Major
James Sholto, formerly with the
Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers?
SH

He sounds familiar. At least the
regiment does.

It’s John’s old regiment.
SH

Oh, that’s why.

So do you know anything about
Major Sholto?
SH

He must have been John’s
commanding officer, right?

Yes.
SH

Is he coming to the wedding?

He hasn’t RSVPed, but John
seems sure about it.
SH

That’s nice.

I suppose so.
SH

It is.

Do you know what really
happened when he was
discharged?
SH

Why do you want to know?

I’m just curious.
SH

And a little bit jealous.

Are there any records of the
incident or not?
SH

Is the Ministry of Defence a
governmental department?

Yes.
SH

Then what do you think?

So look it up.
SH

It’s still military, though, so
it's probably classified and
sealed.

You can unseal it.
SH

Yes, I can, but what do we say?

Please.
SH

Good. I’ll look into it.

Thank you.
SH

-x-

I’ve decided to have a stag
night for John.
SH

Excellent! What are you planning?

A pub round seems both
traditional and tolerable.
SH

The two most important Ts.
What are you planning for
theme?

I don’t know.
SH

Oh, do murders!

John has explicitly told me
that he doesn’t want any
murders near his wedding.
SH

Not a real one! But your Monopoly
board of murders! That would be
such a perfect theme.

It wasn’t murders on every street.
It was just solved crimes.
SH

Just as well, you couldn’t do
22 pubs anyway.

There were nine murders on
the board.
SH

That you could totally do.

Further planning is needed.
SH

Alternate with water!

-x-

So, how was the stag night?

Shut up.
SH

What?

I can hear you gloating all
the way here.
SH

That’s ridiculous, you can’t
hear someone gloat.

That doesn’t change the
fact that you already know
exactly what happened.
SH

Not EXACTLY.

There’s a good chance you have
more details than I do, though.
SH

Heh, how are you feeling?

Hangovers are child’s play. I’ve
gone through withdrawal.
SH

So not so good?

No. I blame John and his stupid
wedding.
SH

Don’t call the wedding stupid.

Fine.
SH

Have you ever dated a ghost?
SH

Let’s see… there was Mr Snow,
but he was a vampire. Then I had
a one-night-stand with a werewolf,
but I can’t remember his name.

Funny.
SH

I did actually date a tongue wizard
once.

I’m going to ignore you now.
SH

What did you expect? It was
a stupid question.

The client thinks she dated
a ghost.
SH

Well, then she’s an idiot.

I agree, but the case is far
more intriguing than flower
arrangements.
SH

Are we growing a bit tired of
the wedding planning?

Not tired per se, but I miss the
work. I haven’t been Sherlock
Holmes in a while.
SH

You could always wear the deerstalker
at the wedding.

I think Mary might actually take
John’s gun and shoot me if I did
that.
SH

I wouldn’t blame her.

-x-

I think the waltz is done.
SH

Send it to me!

[Audio file received]

Sherlock, this is amazing.

You think it’ll do?
SH

Yes!

Good.
SH

Now I really wish I knew how
to waltz.

I’m done as a dance teacher. John
sucked the life out of me.
SH

Was he really that bad?

Yes.
SH

Will he manage on Saturday?

He’d better! I’ve written him a waltz.
SH

Them.

Do you really think it’s good enough?
SH

I do.

-x-

Help.
SH

What did you take?

What?
SH

What do you need help with?

The speech.
SH

You’re not done?

I haven’t started.
SH

The wedding’s tomorrow!

Don’t you think I know that?
SH

Sorry.

The book is useless!
SH

Don’t mind the book!

Then why did you give it to me?
SH

Because it was really funny at
the time.

I can’t mess this up.
SH

Write a first draft, and I’ll read
it for you.

Can you write it for me?
SH

No.

-x-

Big day!

Yes.
SH

Did you get any sleep?

No.
SH

Any chance I could get a picture
of you in your morning dress?

That can be arranged.
SH

Any chance I could get an old
picture of John in his uniform?

Probably not.
SH

Are you keeping them all for
yourself?

-x-

And that was that.
SH

It’s over?

No, I’m texting you from
inside the church.
SH

Really?

No.
SH

Just checking. How was the
ceremony?

Irreversible.
SH

Pfft, hardly. I legally killed and
revived you. I could annul all the
marriages in the entire country
before lunch if I wanted to.

Good to know.
SH

That might be the oddest
thing I’ve ever bragged about.

I’m still impressed.
SH

As you should be.

Mary’s maid of honour reminds
me a bit of you.
SH

She must be absolutely fabulous,
then!

She said something about the
best man and maid of honour
having sex being tradition. The
book didn’t say anything about that.
SH

It’s not that kind of tradition.

Why is it always about sex?
SH

Because the Beatles were wrong!

What?
SH

We need more than love.

Of course we do.
SH

Hence, sex.

You can’t live on sex, either.
SH

But you’ll die happier. Are you going
to follow that tradition?

No.
SH

Use a condom if you do!

-x-

What do you know about
the early signs of pregnancy?
SH

What was the last thing I
texted you? The very last
thing?

I haven’t had sex with Jeannine.
SH

Then why do you want to know?

I think Mary might be pregnant.
SH

Oh, shit.

Interesting reaction.
SH

Is it planned?

Hardly, seeing how much time
they put into choosing the wine.
SH

Their child would be so cute!

This conversation is turning out
to be completely useless.
SH

This conversation is turning into
gossip!

Then give me some facts, so
I can verify.
SH

Oh, there’s a good way to do that.

What?
SH

Ask her.

That’s cheating.
SH

…right. Well, I, for one, felt a
bit queasy.

You’ve been pregnant?
SH

Yes, but just for a couple of
weeks. Don’t worry, it was
before I met your brother.

I see.
SH

You can’t just Google your
way to the information?

I’m trying to host a wedding,
I can’t research things.
SH

Texting me is all right, though?

Only if it generates results.
SH

It won’t, so stop texting me
and just ask her.

Uncle Sherlock.

-x-

Are you all right?

Why wouldn’t I be?
SH

Your brother told me you called him.

Please tell me you weren’t the
thing he was filing.
SH

What?

Never mind.
SH

I’m always the one doing the
filing. I’m not completely sure
he understands the system we
use.

True. I’ve always been under
the impression that he prefers
the filing system at Eton, but
you never know. We don’t talk
about filing.
SH

We’re talking about different kinds
of filing, aren’t we?

I’m not talking about filing at all.
SH

Look at you with your innuendoes!
Now stop avoiding the question. Are
you all right?

Why wouldn’t I be?
SH

Hm, this feels familiar.

Why wouldn’t I be all right?
SH

You tell me.

I’m fine.
SH

Sherlock, you called your brother
to ask if he’d come to the wedding.

I asked him to come to the
reception. There is a difference.
SH

Yes, and I’m trying very hard to
figure out what that difference is
and why it’s important.

You do that. I have a wedding
reception to see to.
SH

-x-

The ghost, the one from the
stag night. He was at the wedding.
SH

What? What did you do?

I got the murderer.
SH

What are you on?

Nothing. Champagne.
SH

Then what are you talking about?
What happened?

There was a murder at the wedding.
SH

Christ!

No one died, and we caught him.
SH

Has ‘murder’ been redefined?

Never mind.
SH

Cut down on the champagne!

-x-

I think I have figured out why
you wanted your brother at
the reception tonight.

I didn’t.
SH

I could look into making that
legal, you know.

What are you talking about?
SH

Your second speech. The one
I didn’t get to see a draft of.

How do you even know about
that?
SH

John.

Ah.
SH

He wondered if I knew
where you are and why
you’re not answering him.

What did you tell him?
SH

That you were fucking the maid
of honour in the broom closet.

He didn’t believe me.

Imagine that.
SH

He also said the waltz was amazing.

And he didn’t step on her dress,
even once.
SH

You did good, Sherlock.

Thank you.
SH

But you should text John.

I’d rather play Scrabble with you.
SH

We can do that after.

-x-

Vol. XXII
 

Comments

[bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com]

I wanted to copy and paste the most amusing bits but this was delightful from beginning to end. This series is so lovely. I liked how you work with the canon, and I didn't even like series 3 much, so.

You could always wear the deerstalker
at the wedding.

I think Mary might actually take
John’s gun and shoot me if I did
that.
SH

This part made me go "Oh." Poor Sherlock.

Thanks for sharing!

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I debated a long time with myself if I was going to put some forshadowing in or not so I'm happy you went "oh" at the result ;)

[shadowfireflame.livejournal.com]

Are you contemplating rebranding?

Hahaha, great line.

This was so bittersweet, Madeleine gently pointing out how insecure and worried Sherlock is about the possible upcoming changes in his life. I love this series!

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

He would make a good Victorian gentleman, woudln't he? Walking around arm-in-arm with his Watson, wearing a top hat and... oh... he would be Jeremy Brett's Holmes XD

Thank you for commenting!

[arianedevere.livejournal.com]

Oh, lord, I could quote so many lines from this. The whole thing was gorgeous, veering from hilarious to heartbreaking and back again.

on a scale from one to the Burrell affair
*giggles*

I’ve missed just about everything.
D’aww!

There are other stag nights besides Barney Stinson stag nights.
Oh, Anthea Madeleine, I do love you!

I love Sherlock (not)panicking about being best man, and sending her recordings of the waltz. *sniffles*

But you won’t get near any Nobel laureates again if I have anything to do with it.
Love the ‘again’! I need to know the backstory to that one!!

Please tell me you weren’t the thing he was filing.
I just sniggered very loudly in the office. If I’m fired, it’s all your fault.

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

Oh! You got the Burrell one! And the filing one! Your comment makes me so happy :D Thank you! (and I really hope that you didn't get fired!)

About the Nobel laureates-thing. Part of that is actually SMS-canon (http://solrosan.livejournal.com/17709.html) :) The rest is part of my elaborate headcanon that Sherlock is the biggest Nobel fanboy you can imagine, reading all the publications, listening to the announcements on nobelprize.org and all of it.

[shadesofmoon.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, this series is so adorable and I'm very thankful that you've written new instalments!
Sometimes heart-rending, and always warm and witty with hidden depths.
Thanks for writing!

[solrosan.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting :) It makes me so happy to hear that you like it!