I love the story! It is indeed very poignantly written. I did notice a few mistakes, and I'll give you a quick beta of the first few papragraphs, if I may be so bold. ;-)
Al Gore didn’t know what he was talking about John noted Comma needed between 'about' and 'John'.
slight bad conscience 'slight' should probably be 'slightly', since you are modifying 'bad'.
t hypothermic John just stop on the spot, staring. I would have put a period after 'hypothermic' and begun a new sentence with 'John'. 'Stop' should be 'stopped'.
besides his lips. 'Other than' would be a better choice than 'besides'.
cleaver idiot 'Cleaver' should be 'clever'.
I'd be happy to do the rest, if you like - I have taught English as a second language and I can't seem to help myself! ::g:: Just PM me and let me know.
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Date: 2011-06-11 04:37 am (UTC)Al Gore didn’t know what he was talking about John noted Comma needed between 'about' and 'John'.
slight bad conscience 'slight' should probably be 'slightly', since you are modifying 'bad'.
t hypothermic John just stop on the spot, staring. I would have put a period after 'hypothermic' and begun a new sentence with 'John'. 'Stop' should be 'stopped'.
besides his lips. 'Other than' would be a better choice than 'besides'.
cleaver idiot 'Cleaver' should be 'clever'.
I'd be happy to do the rest, if you like - I have taught English as a second language and I can't seem to help myself! ::g:: Just PM me and let me know.