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Short Message Service Vol. XI - aka Smokin'
First, please pretend that it’s Jim Carrey in The Mask saying Smokin’ ;)
Notes: Back to crack again! Sorry it took so long to update this story. It has been waiting in the pipe for Eating us alive, again… to end (and for me to figure out the in-verse TRF). All the thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
frayedshoelace.
The rest of them can be found here.
These texts are sent sometime between the beginning of their friendship right up to the days before HOUNDS.
Summary: As the self-appointed peacetime propaganda minister of the UK not!Anthea tries to make Sherlock understand that smoking is bad for his health.
-x-
Smoking kills.
Perhaps I’m suicidal.
SH
No, you admire
yourself too much.
It’s easy to admire
me.
SH
I think you’re
confusing yourself
with me.
Hardly.
SH
-x-
You’re making
smoking indoors
illegal in order to
make me quit?
SH
Yes, everything
the government
does revolves
around you.
Oh, ha ha.
SH
Run out of
arguments
already? I’m a
bit disappointed.
Shut up.
SH
You know, this
might be a good
time to consider
quitting.
See! It’s not
paranoia when
it’s true.
SH
In your case Big
Brother is always
watching, isn’t he?
You’ve wanted to use
that for a while,
haven’t you?
SH
Since the first
time I texted you.
Glad we got it
out of the way,
then.
SH
-x-
Smoking can make
you impotent.
That wouldn’t be
the worst thing
in the world.
SH
You don’t want
to have children?
Certainly not.
Not that being
impotent would
prevent me from
fathering a child.
SH
It would make it
harder though.
Pun intended?
SH
Not really. Why
don't you want
children?
Why should I
want children?
SH
I don’t know.
See, there is no
logical reason to
want children. Do
you want children?
SH
Yes. Someday.
Why?
SH
Would you think
less of me if I said
‘because’?
So, no other
reasons besides
biology and social
pressure?
SH
No.
That doesn’t make
me think less of
you. Your inability
to verbalise it might,
though.
SH
Hush.
-x-
Nicotine patches
for Christmas?
Really?
SH
You’re welcome!
I’m not thanking you.
SH
You should. You’ll
live longer.
If I thank you?
SH
Yes. And if you
don't smoke.
I don’t know which
sounds less
appealing.
SH
-x-
I can fit four
patches on
my forearm.
SH
That can’t be
healthy.
84 mg of nicotine
won't kill me.
SH
It might! Take
them off!
No. The clarity
is amazing.
SH
Are you high?
No, but two more
patches and I
might get there.
SH
This was not how
I meant for the
patches to be used.
Why haven’t I
done this earlier?
It’s much more
efficient.
SH
Remove the
patches!
You’d rather have
me smoking?
SH
No!
Make up your mind.
SH
Stop. Using. Nicotine.
I need it for
my work.
SH
You really don’t.
I really do.
SH
-x-
Have you ever
smoked anything
other than cigarettes?
No.
SH
If I promise not to
tell your brother,
would that change
your answer?
Yes.
SH
What have you
smoked?
I honestly can’t say.
SH
That’s rather
disturbing.
It’s not like it’s
cocaine.
SH
You say that far
too casually.
Those cigarettes
are looking pretty
good now, aren’t
they?
SH
Yes, but stop that too.
I don’t smoke
any more.
SH
Really?
Really. I just
use the patches.
Far more efficient.
SH
Sherlock….
-x-
It was a mistake
to move in with
a doctor.
SH
Does he obstruct
your self-abusing
lifestyle?
Yes.
SH
Good for him!
But not for me.
SH
Yes, it’s good for
you too.
I need the nicotine
so I can think.
SH
No you don’t.
If I put patches
under my shirt,
he won’t see them.
SH
I’ll tell on you.
Then I’ll just
have to put them
where he won’t
dare to look.
SH
Just stop with
the damn patches!
-x-
Hypocrite.
SH
What?
You smoke.
SH
I do not.
Don’t lie to me.
I have pictures.
SH
What pictures?
December, 2007,
Lisbon. Does that ring
a bell?
SH
The treaty signing?
I did not smoke
during the treaty
signing.
But during the
party afterwards...
SH
Oh. How did you
get those pictures?
Case.
SH
Of course. I don’t
smoke. At least
not when I’m sober.
As I said: hypocrite.
SH
No, it’s not the
same. I don’t
smoke. I haven’t
smoked since 2009.
Right.
SH
-x-
John’s unreasonable!
SH
Why this time?
He could be
the poster boy
for Smoking Kills.
SH
That’s one of my
best propaganda
campaigns. It’s
almost as if it’s
true.
I’m surrounded
by health nuts!
SH
Poor thing.
I’m a grown man!
I’ll smoke if I
want to.
SH
It’s my party and
I cry if I want to,
cry if I want to, cry
if I want to.
What are you
talking about?
SH
I’m singing.
The melody got
lost on the way.
SH
Hush. I thought
you’d stopped
smoking and were
using those
horrible patches.
I hadn’t had a
cigarette in eight
months when
Mycroft gave me
one.
SH
Yes, blame your
brother, that’s
constructive
as usual.
I’m not blaming
him. I like smoking.
If anything, you
and John should
blame him and I
should thank him.
SH
Idiot.
-x-
Have you been
talking to John?
SH
The sexy army
doctor who isn’t
your boyfriend?
Do you really
think he’s attractive?
SH
Not in the obvious
in-your-face kind of
way, but you need
to understand what
the combination of
uniform and doctor
does.
I’m starting to realise
that there is some
significance to that.
SH
Finally!
Have you talked
to him?
SH
Yes. We conspire
to remove nicotine
from your life.
Aren’t conspiracies
supposed to be secrets
SH
You’re you, and he
might be England’s
worst liar. I’m not
telling you anything
you don’t already know.
True, you’re still
going to fail.
SH
See it as an
experiment!
Dull.
SH
A challenge?
Still dull. I can
stop whenever
I want to.
SH
I bet you can't.
Prepare to lose.
SH
-x-
Vol. XII - Hounds
Notes: Back to crack again! Sorry it took so long to update this story. It has been waiting in the pipe for Eating us alive, again… to end (and for me to figure out the in-verse TRF). All the thanks to
frayedshoelace.The rest of them can be found here.
These texts are sent sometime between the beginning of their friendship right up to the days before HOUNDS.
Summary: As the self-appointed peacetime propaganda minister of the UK not!Anthea tries to make Sherlock understand that smoking is bad for his health.
-x-
Smoking kills.
Perhaps I’m suicidal.
SH
No, you admire
yourself too much.
It’s easy to admire
me.
SH
I think you’re
confusing yourself
with me.
Hardly.
SH
-x-
You’re making
smoking indoors
illegal in order to
make me quit?
SH
Yes, everything
the government
does revolves
around you.
Oh, ha ha.
SH
Run out of
arguments
already? I’m a
bit disappointed.
Shut up.
SH
You know, this
might be a good
time to consider
quitting.
See! It’s not
paranoia when
it’s true.
SH
In your case Big
Brother is always
watching, isn’t he?
You’ve wanted to use
that for a while,
haven’t you?
SH
Since the first
time I texted you.
Glad we got it
out of the way,
then.
SH
-x-
Smoking can make
you impotent.
That wouldn’t be
the worst thing
in the world.
SH
You don’t want
to have children?
Certainly not.
Not that being
impotent would
prevent me from
fathering a child.
SH
It would make it
harder though.
Pun intended?
SH
Not really. Why
don't you want
children?
Why should I
want children?
SH
I don’t know.
See, there is no
logical reason to
want children. Do
you want children?
SH
Yes. Someday.
Why?
SH
Would you think
less of me if I said
‘because’?
So, no other
reasons besides
biology and social
pressure?
SH
No.
That doesn’t make
me think less of
you. Your inability
to verbalise it might,
though.
SH
Hush.
-x-
Nicotine patches
for Christmas?
Really?
SH
You’re welcome!
I’m not thanking you.
SH
You should. You’ll
live longer.
If I thank you?
SH
Yes. And if you
don't smoke.
I don’t know which
sounds less
appealing.
SH
-x-
I can fit four
patches on
my forearm.
SH
That can’t be
healthy.
84 mg of nicotine
won't kill me.
SH
It might! Take
them off!
No. The clarity
is amazing.
SH
Are you high?
No, but two more
patches and I
might get there.
SH
This was not how
I meant for the
patches to be used.
Why haven’t I
done this earlier?
It’s much more
efficient.
SH
Remove the
patches!
You’d rather have
me smoking?
SH
No!
Make up your mind.
SH
Stop. Using. Nicotine.
I need it for
my work.
SH
You really don’t.
I really do.
SH
-x-
Have you ever
smoked anything
other than cigarettes?
No.
SH
If I promise not to
tell your brother,
would that change
your answer?
Yes.
SH
What have you
smoked?
I honestly can’t say.
SH
That’s rather
disturbing.
It’s not like it’s
cocaine.
SH
You say that far
too casually.
Those cigarettes
are looking pretty
good now, aren’t
they?
SH
Yes, but stop that too.
I don’t smoke
any more.
SH
Really?
Really. I just
use the patches.
Far more efficient.
SH
Sherlock….
-x-
It was a mistake
to move in with
a doctor.
SH
Does he obstruct
your self-abusing
lifestyle?
Yes.
SH
Good for him!
But not for me.
SH
Yes, it’s good for
you too.
I need the nicotine
so I can think.
SH
No you don’t.
If I put patches
under my shirt,
he won’t see them.
SH
I’ll tell on you.
Then I’ll just
have to put them
where he won’t
dare to look.
SH
Just stop with
the damn patches!
-x-
Hypocrite.
SH
What?
You smoke.
SH
I do not.
Don’t lie to me.
I have pictures.
SH
What pictures?
December, 2007,
Lisbon. Does that ring
a bell?
SH
The treaty signing?
I did not smoke
during the treaty
signing.
But during the
party afterwards...
SH
Oh. How did you
get those pictures?
Case.
SH
Of course. I don’t
smoke. At least
not when I’m sober.
As I said: hypocrite.
SH
No, it’s not the
same. I don’t
smoke. I haven’t
smoked since 2009.
Right.
SH
-x-
John’s unreasonable!
SH
Why this time?
He could be
the poster boy
for Smoking Kills.
SH
That’s one of my
best propaganda
campaigns. It’s
almost as if it’s
true.
I’m surrounded
by health nuts!
SH
Poor thing.
I’m a grown man!
I’ll smoke if I
want to.
SH
It’s my party and
I cry if I want to,
cry if I want to, cry
if I want to.
What are you
talking about?
SH
I’m singing.
The melody got
lost on the way.
SH
Hush. I thought
you’d stopped
smoking and were
using those
horrible patches.
I hadn’t had a
cigarette in eight
months when
Mycroft gave me
one.
SH
Yes, blame your
brother, that’s
constructive
as usual.
I’m not blaming
him. I like smoking.
If anything, you
and John should
blame him and I
should thank him.
SH
Idiot.
-x-
Have you been
talking to John?
SH
The sexy army
doctor who isn’t
your boyfriend?
Do you really
think he’s attractive?
SH
Not in the obvious
in-your-face kind of
way, but you need
to understand what
the combination of
uniform and doctor
does.
I’m starting to realise
that there is some
significance to that.
SH
Finally!
Have you talked
to him?
SH
Yes. We conspire
to remove nicotine
from your life.
Aren’t conspiracies
supposed to be secrets
SH
You’re you, and he
might be England’s
worst liar. I’m not
telling you anything
you don’t already know.
True, you’re still
going to fail.
SH
See it as an
experiment!
Dull.
SH
A challenge?
Still dull. I can
stop whenever
I want to.
SH
I bet you can't.
Prepare to lose.
SH
-x-
Vol. XII - Hounds
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PS: You forgot to close an italic tag somewhere.
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And I'm glad to hear, writing this series has made Anthea into one of my favourites in Sherlock. It's just sad she isn't more successful in her conspiracies.
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Anthea is such a sneaky, clever woman.
Also this I’m starting to realise
that there is some
significance to that.
SH
Reminded me of the quirked smile of appreciation he gives in Hound. Lovely mental image, there ;)
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And yes, the penny seems to (finally!) drop in Hounds, doesn't it ;)
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Brother is always
watching, isn’t he?
*chortles* Accurate! I love how not!Anthea and doctor!John conspire to keep Sherlock healthier than he would otherwise be. Very sweet.
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